Despair and deception / Love’s ugly little twins / Came a-knockin’ at my door
Nick Cave, “I Let Love In”
It was a rough week. For most of it I fluctuated between utter exhaustion and having to remind myself to breathe deeply every few minutes so as to stave off encroaching panic attacks. When life as we know it has been hijacked, it’s hard not to descend into that mini-hell inside your own head.
It’s emotionally tiring, and eventually it runs to ground in the physical body. I’ve taken two-hour naps the past few days despite getting what would normally be an adequate amount of sleep. And look: compared to most, I have it easy. I’m lucky and well aware of it. (I feel compelled to keep repeating that; it’s survivor’s guilt, maybe. Poverty-and-strife-survivor’s guilt. There was a time I would have read these words and mocked the person who wrote them.)
Today, I don’t know what changed, but things seemed easier somehow. Horrific still, but a little more manageable. Maybe a week’s time provided some adjustment. Maybe this is temporary. It probably is. I know nothing about this process because it’s a completely new situation. And as my friend Patti wrote the other day, we all are going to need some time to find our balance.
The only thing I know for certain is that we need to be extraordinarily, over-the-top kind with everyone. Including ourselves. We’re going to need time and space to find ourselves again in this strange new world.
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Be well, my friends. Be patient and kind. Especially with yourselves.